THE 50TH POST : Test Results are Negative

The past weekend has been filled with a barrage of activities that drained most of my energy away that left me pretty tired. There were assignment and project deadlines to be met, also not forgetting plenty of football action too! Nonetheless, it was a memorable one - finally hitting form during pre-match by hitting five goals but losing to a more experienced team on the actual pitch the following day. The important lesson was the experience gained through what was only my second full match, to my delight I actually lasted the full 90 minutes and came pretty close to scoring (I hit the post!). Frankly, I was just very glad to be playing footie again and returning to where I felt I belonged.
This is my 50th published post and hence I thought something decent should be posted, rather than a random song/poem or an outburst (which I had plenty of recently with varying situations in life). The weekend was also one which I felt the brunt of university assignments and project deadlines - I actually had the ability to complete a 1200 word sociology essay in TWO days! Not forgetting the Japanese studies project and New Media project and what-not. (This "what-not" craze began with my sociology lecturer who used it to refer to other examples that are not mentioned.) Hopefully, I can score well in my potential-choice-for-major subject - Sociology.
I was intrigued by something I read in the papers one evening, after the hectic weekend. It was part of the entertainment section under horoscope (for zodiac signs AND star signs, a comprehensive coverage). For the zodiac part, it adviced me to bear with everything that life may throw at me as things could get a little rough. Even if it becomes tough and unbearable, well just grit my teeth, bear with it and I'll pull through safely. The first thought that came to my mind, "That's rrriiiight! How accurate..." given the amount of work adding on to my burdens.
The workload aside, my emotional adventure had also seem to reach a dead end. I had reached a point where I felt nothing could be done and the pig of a perpetrator had achieved much more than I did. Kudos to him, what ever he did, he did it right. Maybe I should heed these signs that NOTHING can turn out of this but deep in me I stubbornly refused to give up. I had a hint of determination in me to stay out in the thunderstorm, enduring the cold and the possibility of being struck by lightning, just to know if there would be a rainbow after the thunderstorm - the appearance of the rainbow not a guaranteed outcome. Right now, I'm just shivering out there in the bitter cold, fighting the resistance to give up. An occasional bolt of lightning will strike once in a while accompanied by the loud thunder scaring the hell out of me. I'm blinded and deafened...
Switching my view to the opposite page, there was this woman who claimed to be an excellent horoscope reader sharing her opinions about the different behaviours of men belonging to every star sign. My eyes immediately scanned the page for 'gemini'... "Gemini men are a determined bunch, rarely changing their minds once their eyes are set on a potential partner. But, they are capable of telling white lies, something which needs to be tolerated. Nonetheless, they do it out of good intentions and are nice people."
Well, this is an adequate explanation for my actions. The "special one" in my mind now is my holy grail. Whether I succeed or not is entirely a different matter. Hopefully, time can prove everything, if not, time can also heal my wound if all else fails.
Today, on October 18th Wednesday, I conducted a little 'scientific' experiment just to gauge if my target reacts and responses appropriately on a psychological level. Results of this will either provide me the impetus to carry on or stagnate my progress. Sad to say, the results were negative which means I should belong to the latter stage. Shrugging it off, I opted to go school much later rather than the normal 8am and go for a little jog in the haze to clear my thoughts and shorten my life, followed by a lonely bus ride to school and plenty of meetings and work to tire myself out. I am willing to start but who is willing to give me a chance?
Happy 50th post to Bernd-out and myself...

An Occasional Outburst

On my black Friday the 13th...
The signs are ominous though as much as I reject their existence
Hypocritical actions of the perpetrator diminishing whatever I have, disillusioned... flabbergasted by its actions
Triadic relationship destroying my ideal dyad
Feels like I'm being taken on a ride
Suppressing my animosity against you is my option

As learnt from the sayings of a monk "Why is it that another man cannot covet what you wish for? Is there a written rule by God restricting such behaviour? Forgive and forget, be magnanimous and free yourself from petty resentfulness and vindictiveness, for it is often cravings that poison one's mind."

Driving da Bernd Code

It's official - I have given 'my first time' away. It was just after midnight on Sunday and my female colleague initiated the idea, "Hey, can you fetch me home since its on the way?" I hesitantly agreed, though it was technically not on the way but rather a detour, but I did not want to turn her down.
Unconsciously, SHE became my first ever female passenger on my car (not counting mum, sis, aunt and what-not). Well, it was not what I quite had in mind when I first received word that I could had the car for a whole week as Dad had to make a business trip but God, somehow or rather, intended for that to happen. I had come to a point where questioning God's decisions about my situations had provided me with answers as clear as the visibility you get by looking out of your window into the hazy skies these days. There seem to be no further indication of what lies ahead hence I decided on the wiser option of following early signs of events as indicators of potential problem areas, bringing the Da Vinci Code from reel to real life.
It was an uphill task, putting myself in Prof Langdon's shoes, for it was not so much that his shoe size was probably much larger than mine but largely because where he had the lovely Sophie Neveu cracking codes with him, I'm alone by myself still looking for my own "Sophie". Most important of all, "codes" in life are much, much harder to decode. It often involves looking beyond the surface of things.
Only recently did I realise the usefulness of books after I discovered an extremely wonderful answer that practically solves every problem in life in my sociology text. I also found more answers in another book about Buddhism that was distributed during matriculation fair which was aptly named "How to overcome difficulties in life". Comprehending these primary signs, I guess it probably means I would be better off drowning myself in books rather than relationship trouble.
Originally, I had meant to save the title of my first female passenger for a particular 'someone'. It must mean something for this 'unfortunate' event to happen when my chance of realizing my dream was just a mere 8 hours away. In the end, it did not matter as the "intended party" turned down my invitation. At that moment, I was thrown into deep confusion as every logical reason as to why she may reject me evaded my mind. Did she not trust my driving? Or she simply preferred a 1.6cc vehicle to my humble 1.3cc vehicle from what I observed on previous occasions? And, what does it really mean when words you do not wish to hear ("She treats you like a good friend...", "Why do you keep falling for the wrong girl?" and what-not) just never stops blasting into your eardrums? As a normal emotional human defined by the sociologists, it is normal for me to attach meaning to different things and in order to preservere my existence, I obviously had to put meaning into those signs to derive guidance. Well, a picture paints a thousand words and from a particular picture I inadvertently saw on another handphone not belonging to me, the only words in my mind are too obscene to be mentioned here.
Nonetheless, my female friends from all walks of life took turns for a ride in my "rented" vehicle. (Nah, just two of them.) One of them, Xue, gave me the biggest shock of my life by asking the following while I sped smoothly along Lornie Road. "Hey, you like any girl in school now?" It almost caused an accident. I provided a diplomatic but truthful answer, "Hmm... Yea. But not in school. She's...(explicit details not to be published)." Xue then revealed some of her thoughts in exchange and it felt great to be able to air some of my problems with a neutral party, at least for that period of time.
Mid-week was bright and cheery for me. Driving to school with a distinguished passenger was simply a pleasure and my honour. How I wished this was a sign of things to come and a glimpse of the future some ten, twenty years down the road... The hope that such beautiful thoughts and dreams had kept me sane, largely because of the many restrictions and complications of reality. I had also made an amazing discovery that a Mcdonald's egg mcmuffin breakfast could last me till dinner!
Well, it has been a good experience driving my way around. At least it kept me away from driving myself crazy for the time being. Serene's comments of me being an excellent driver was greatly appreciated too. It was nice being praised about something that I take much pride in, irregardless of other egregious criticism and ludicrous comments that was not entirely justified and uncalled for. Looking forward to my blog's 50th published post coming pretty soon... Till then and till the next driving adventure!