Mis-Quoted Trouble

Its quite amazing the amount of interest that generates just by a change of an online nickname. Just about a week ago, there was a series of unfortunate events which, rather predictably, happened to me. Little did I knew that there was going to be an unfortunate event of a larger scale as compared to mine, the tsunami disaster. But coming back to this, I've decided that I should express troubled feelings in my heart out and channel the negative surge of energy and adrenaline correctly. Initially, I suspected a rare case of PMS but dismissed it right away after realising that one of those unfortunate events was girl-related.

So what I did, besides dishing out the worst and torturous punishment I could to Rico on WWF Smackdown and composing a translated poem on my blog, I felt a change was necessary for my MSN nick, "Bernd's hopelessly blissful and blind - No One Loves Me, even the Right Girl".

It was a rather refreshing mix of cultures, a line from a rock tune by Sum 41 and part of the title from Acacia (a Korean movie). With all that done, I gave myself a pat on my back and sat back to take a well-deserved rest. Though all that strenuous physical and mental activity did less to improve my unfortunate situation, it was satisfying enough to know that the anger in my heart simmered. Everything remained usual till the next day when I returned to camp. My friends began to shower me with extra concern and became extremely patient to me. A fellow armskoteman finally broke the silence over their recent behaviour while we were on duty in the armskote room.

"Hey.. erm... Have you been ditched? I saw your nick on MSN." he asked, attempting to sound polite and non-obtrusive. I returned him a surprised stare, as if ridiculed. He tried to look away but I could not care less. At that time, I felt I could hold a M-16 rifle and a semi-auto, each on both hands, and fire away at him while thrusting a bayonet knife at his throat. I remember making it known to almost all my friends I had been girlfriendless all this while. But being the kind soul that I am, I repaid his kindness with thanks, telling him that I'm perfectly fine. It was like going through a bad patch. Then, to shun the topic and to advertise my blog at the same time, I asked him to visit my blog for more details. Killing two birds with one stone as they say...

Anyway, in this depressed and emotional last entry of 2004, I shall do all interested parties a favour by re-posting the entry mentioned, more for convenience sake. Do not waste your time but look between the lines for that hidden agenda. Happy New Year everyone...

Dreaming Of The Right Girl
CAPTIVATING
RAVISHING
EASY-GOING
TRUSTWORTHY
ELEGANT
SLENDER
ENDEARING
FRIENDLY
ALLURING

Dedication to an Angel

David Tao wrote this song, dedicating it to a salesgirl he once met while travelling overseas. I became terribly inspired to do it in English, and to dedicate to a girl I have yet to meet but lost. Weird, but true. Its the kind of feeling that warms my heart when I see her, though non-physically but it is so surreal. Nonetheless, this angel has flown and left and this is for her...

I do not recognise the person in the mirror
All I see is a worn-out soul
I try to smile but my heart would not relent
Loneliness kept within me
Just like a lost sail in the stormy sea
Will I ever have the courage to leave the present me?

Angel, Angel
How I wish you'd be with me
Angel, Angel
Take my hand and never let go

Sometimes I feel no one can ever
Feel the pain that I do in my heart
Too afraid to face reality
Keeping to myself is my escape
I need an embrace, for I'm breaking into pieces
Drifting out alone, will someone out there find me?

Angel, Angel
How I wish you'd be with me
Angel, Angel
Do you hear me?
Will you wait for me?

Angel, Angel
Please I need you by my side
Angel, Angel
Please don't ever let go...

All I Want For Christmas Is...

Tis' the season... The wait is over. Christmas has finally arrived and although I think it may be a wee bit too late for Santa to read this, here is Bernd's Christmas wishlist. It would be a fabulouso Christmas if all were to come true...

Bernd's wishlist:
+ Nike Total 90 III soccer boots
They're one of the best around, looks wonderful and feels good, worn by the biggest names in soccer... It may be a different story once they're on me though...
+ Man Utd home strip
THE best team with a cool gear... Nuff said.
+ Nokia 6170 (already gotten)
Not yet advertised and still unknown to the masses, quite a great gadget to have before everyone else does. Made of stainless steel too, a touch of class that doesn't rust...
+ Micro Hi-fi system
Well, I've got a portable radio cum CD player sitting in my room that looks pretty ancient and best of all, it cannot play CDs. Quite pathetic if you ask me...
+ Creative Zen Micro
In my opinion, this little miracle will win any apple, orange or pear or whatever brand you have in mind hands down. It looks way better too, with additional functions and a user-friendly interface. Best of all, its local. One to get after my current Creative MuVo TX. Piss off iPod...
+ Pool Cue
Something which I had longed for... I can safely say that with my current ability, I can play some decent pool every now and then after faithfully dedicating time and energy in sharpening my skills. Heck, even beating my friend now does not pose much of a problem for me. Time for a better and brand new cue for me as I continue in my quest for more glory.
+The girls mentioned below
(Rui En, Jeanette Aw, Debbie Wong, Lin Zhi Ling, Hebe, Hello! shop girl, the RIGHT girl)
These girls to me, are just absolutely out of this world. Well, I'm not asking for much but just to meet them in person would be enough. Anymore longer than that and I may risk myself getting puked on. If by the grace of God and the generosity of Santa, that I may get anyone of these as my girl, I swear to live my life decently and be a better man.
+Happiness
This would be something that money can't buy. So wouldn't it be great if I could get it for free? A priceless gift that lights up my life.
+My Pink IC
Gone with it was my freedom as a civilian. I wasn't even a willing party in the first place. To sum it up, it was an unfair trade for a ugly 11b, dull and dead military life (or is it no life?) and nonsensical activities. Bleah, f*ck it... As they say, serve and forget. If Santa can somehow overthrow the brainless government and the military and bring back my pink IC, I'll volunteer to be one of his reindeers next year.
+A special person
Till today, it has been a ten-month wait for this person. I'm not praying for miracles to happen but since its Christmas, I'll just like to include this person here.

MERRY CHRISTMAS...

Lonely Christmas

It never snows in the city I live in,
Yet I'm feeling cold, frozen out by memories.
My longing for you has long been forgotten
Along with the bright lights of the city...

Left by myself this Christmas,
A lonesome celebration and maybe getting drunk.
Forgetting about those whom I had loved,
for none are here with me.
All that remains, loneliness for the night.

Merry merry Christmas
Lonely lonely Christmas
My joy hangs solitarily in the air,
I'm desolated
Love has turned its back on me.

Lonely lonely Christmas
Merry merry Christmas
Like a greeting card without an address,
A lost destiny leaving me cold and broken.

Who will I spend this Christmas with?
Well I guess there isn't an absolute answer...

Have yourself a merry little Christmas...
Let your heart be light
From now on our troubles will be out of sight...

Nothing Is Possible, Anything Is Impossible

I feel that I have been trying my best to be an extremely simple and normal guy, at least for the past few months. Maybe I've been trying too hard as a close friend put to me that I've now become a total failure when it comes to members of the opposite sex. Very honest I must say and it gives me the urge to do some self-searching of late. Much as it hurts me to say this, but I'm afraid that whatever my dear friend had observed is actually happening to me in reality. Not that I care much with my newly-adopted mentality of "girls are a big hassle" and that "I'm in love with freedom". Putting aside all the crap in my head, I discovered that the situation has deteriorated into a no-hope and no-win case for poor ol' me. My shocking revelation came a week before Christmas...

I did not think much of my friend's proposal when he revealed it to me. According to him, someone was holding some dinner-party somewhere at some pub somehow. And he wanted me to be his "date" for that night. I could tell that it was sheer desperation that he came to me. On account of his friendship with me (I do not have many friends) and being the nice guy that I am, I relented. Well, it was your usual party with loud music, loud noises and loud people. There was plenty of guys and girls of course, sadly whom majority are already attached to the guys present there. (Why bother bringing them in that case?) Anyways, just like me, my friend had not has much luck with girls too and we found ourselves chilling out at a corner, drinking and watching people make merry. Being the inquisitive person that he is, he attempted once again to probe into my life. "Hey look, those guys look even worst than you do and yet, they've got a girl man!" I began to wonder if my friend was a light drinker. Come on, after a few vodkas and you actually think I'm good-looking? But after a careful observation of his behaviour and speech, it occured to me that he has yet to go into his drunken stupor. He then proceeded on with a rough biography with each of his attached friends and giving me the necessary advice to spur me on to find a girl.

I gave serious consideration to his feedback and thought, "Have I really gotten so pathetic that I can't even hold a candle to these guys?" It was truly a depressing moment. Maybe I should give myself a little chance after all. But I still decided to take things easy and let fate chart its course. If its fated to be, let it be. If its not, I shan't bother. And indeed nothing happened. So much for fate. Till last weekend when I decided to get a new mobile phone...

In order to add a touch of uniqueness and difference to my ordinary personality, I have decided to choose the Nokia 6170 for that extraordinary feel. It is a fantastic phone I must say. I came upon the following in a particular brochure while in the midst of purchasing...

There's something so pleasurable about the touch and feel of materials that are simply genuine. Just like the Nokia 6170. Designed with stainless steel covers, the Nokia 6170 encapsulates the true form of strength and beauty in a phone - sleek exteriors, internal substance and innate sophistication. Contemporary geometry meets sleek stainless steel covers, creating an ergonomically compact and durable casing that holds an effortless interface...

Man was she perfect. It was truly beauty beyond words. As she provided the final details of the specific features of my new mobile and my subscription plan, I could only gaze upon in wonder. Another one of God's best works, I told myself. There was something about her that attached my mind to her, an angelic aura. I convinced myself that it must be fate since it was the electronic queuing system that designated our queue numbers and counters. Buying a phone had never been anymore pleasant. Well, it wasn't quite possible for me to hog on to that counter forever and the brief fairytale had ended as soon as it had begun. For myself, what I have to take away with me from this was being able to know her (and her name too) and the chance of knowing that my new phone had been blessed by an "angel".

An advert for myself...
That girl whom served this ordinary looking guy at counter 3, queue number 1198 at the Hello! shop at Killiney. Sale item : Nokia 6170. Reply asap.

And as I promised my good ol' pal, an advert space here for him...
Looking for a girl who's sporty yet gentle, active, able to play musical instruments esp the piano, long hair, fair, considerate, of course not forgetting a good personality. If by the grace of God you who's reading this have the above mentioned, please do not hesitate to leave your contacts with me, well maybe in the comments column. If not, you can ask for my friend's blog site.

(I'm expecting a big fat zero reply to these ads... Its pure impossible but since its Christmas, who knows...)

Normality Resumed

I've been extremely busy lately. Its no wonder that I noticed a huge spider-web growth while logging into my account. "Must be ages since I last blogged..." was the immediate thought I had and it was true. So after a month of inactivity, here's my long-awaited entry.

Choosing not to blog was not an option for me from the beginning as there were plenty of obstacles put in my way. First of all there was the small matter of my friend inviting me to be a guest author for a short story that he wanted on his blog. Being a simple-minded person with a limited brain capacity, this assignment became more of a hindrance to my blogging mind, disrupting my momentum. Not that my friend's invitation was unwelcomed, it was a refreshing challenge for me and I would not mind such an opportunity if it strikes again. For anyone who have a thing for horror stories (mainly the horrible writing), go visit www.jerome.blogdrive.com

Then disaster hit me. My ever so reliable computer broke down unexpectedly. Just when the thought of my precious blog floated into my mind it had to die on me. I listed some of the reasons that had contributed to such a disaster.

a) The poor machine suffered from a long period of wear and tear and inevitably broke down.
b) The machine unfortunately got infected by those deadly viruses while I opened my e-mail.
c) The machine got extremely disgusted at Sylvester going into the S'pore Idols finals and as a result, got so sick that it felt it could not function anymore.

I'd like to believe the latter was not the ultimate cause of my computer's breakdown but after watching (in horror) the performances of the so-called sly idol wannabe, I became convinced that he was the main culprit. After all, my computer is placed (rather unfortunately) in close vincinity to the television in the living room. Maybe it would not have been so bad if that perpetual lousy singer had not made it through. If he had been kicked out, things could have resumed normality. But thankfully for some common sense and for God's good taste in music, the better singer won eventually. I guess that was why my computer started working again. After all that hype surrounding the Idols competition, I'm just glad that my poor ears are now spared from all that pathetic singing. Last I heard, the local blind and deaf societies had seen a tremendous increase in its members, mostly of whom are Sly fans.

November also saw my worst luck in the betting arena. It seem that I was destined to lose whatever wager I had. But I did not take it to heart for I believed that no person could be down for too long. It was a pretty good way to donate some money to charity and the society too, if my perception of the Singapore Pools is anything to go by. Indeed my bad luck went away with the dark November. December brought some good luck along with it and I'll be looking to add more joy to my Christmas this year.

Well just less than two weeks to Christmas and now everything is back to normal again. At least I'm blogging again.

A Weapon of Mass Destruction

Of late, I've been inspired to ask myself a very intriguing question. A question of such importance, with much emotional and self-provoking worth attached with it. No, it has absolutely nothing to do with the military, surprisingly. It is very much based on the affairs of the heart, a topic which I try very hard to avoid having tasted not much success in this field, try as I may. A rather close friend of mine, QueZo, had indicated that a girl has expressed her interest in him. Upon hearing that, I offered my congratulory handshake and my limited help along with it. And as if by reflex, the question immediately reflected in my mind, "How many girls have actually expressed their interest in me?"

Summoning my mathematical prowess, I added up each and every time when I got lucky with love. To my great dismay, I could not get past the big fat zero mark. So there it hangs, a zero on my report card where my close pal had gotten off the mark. To be honest, my inability to attract the fairer sex did not come as a big surprise to me, for I feel that I'm far too average a guy. Even any one of the lamp-posts on the streets would have been far more outstanding than me. Well, I'm still very glad for my friend now that this had happened, despite my pathetic state. We used to be in the same boat when it comes down to love but it seems that now he is in a class of his own, or so I think...

It turned out that QueZo may have attracted the wrong kind of girls after a much detailed analysis, which I shall term it fatal attraction. Attraction of the deadliest kind, for it does not survive long once its shelf-life has expired and it deals a serious bit of damage to the attractor's fragile and emotional heart. The attractee, like a tourist on a stopover midway from the final destination, stays around the transit lounge and spends a fair bit, contributing to business at the air terminal. Just when everybody's happy, their time is up and they leave in a jiffy, forgetting to clean up the mess they left behind. And my mate, the QueZo international airport, will have to stay open for these familiar tourists, no matter rain or shine. So far, he has had two tourists visited him but it may not stop there. I can say that this stop-and-go has left QueZo in a pretty bad shape and quite worn out.

This leads up to another problem, which is how do you actually know, that when a girl expresses her interest in you, if it is truly Lady Luck and Love shining on you or a disaster in the making, the latter being much more of an insincere opening up of her feelings towards an unknowing victim. The ambiguity that surrounds this question clouds up most of us and fails to fade away. My perception of such matters has also taken a twist, engineered by the twisted nature of such an event. If I happen to be the advisor to the UN, I would have classify these acts as a form of terrorism, as they are uncalled for and very unneccessary, causing innocent victims if these acts are unselective. It may just be a simple "I like you" but the motive is questionable. Such weapons of mass destruction shouldn't even be paraded in the first place.

Without doubt, there are many instances of the usage of this weapon that turned out to be quite a happy affair, mainly due to the fact that they are used for the right motives. Quite similarly, a nuclear plant could turn out to be extremely deadly if fallen to the wrong hands. Sincerity and credibility are what guys look for, especially when it comes to "I like you" but if the example of QueZo is anything to go by, I rather not wish it upon myself. In that case, I'd better thank my lucky stars for shining on me and protecting me. If only they could just do the same when it comes to soccer betting, I would be a contented man. That's another story altogether and for the time being, I will have to raise my guard against any girl who says "I like you". Now if that is ever going to happen...

HIStory Of Her

It is as near to you as your life, but you can never wholly understand it. -Sepet

He had given up all hope
Resigned to his fate.
Once terrorised by an experience
that he can never forget.
It left a scar in his heart
He's wounded for life.
All that had changed when she appeared...

She became a saviour to him
Saving him from going under.
Her pure simplicity touched him
Her gentleness warmed his heart.
She came from a difficult background
He sincerely wanted to help
A chance with her was never on the cards but he did not mind...

Blinded and mesmerised by this angel
He knew she was the one.
But his road to happiness is littered with obstacles,
Impossible to overcome.
Never did he knew
That this one-way street
Wasn't going to be big enough for two...

A belief in something so strong
Kept him holding on.
Though they were very much different
In words and thoughts.
They became a little more closer than friends,
But yet a little short of being lovers.
He persistently held on, never wanting to give up
He never saw it coming...

She already had someone else in her life
That piece of news cut through his heart like a knife.
Whatever it is he told himself never to give up
He wanted to be there for her even if he could not win her heart.
The ending may not pretty but nothing could deter him
He already had a place for her in his heart
He simply couldn't live without her...

His dream finally materialized,
When she agreed to a date with him.
Talked and shared about everything they had,
Just like two long-time friends.
They had even caught a movie together
Deep in his heart he wished this date could last forever
But all good things come to an end, this he should have known better...

He had to leave her behind,
To fulfill certain obligations in his life.
Farewell to the place where they first met,
Farewell to everything he thought... or wished he had
He could come back and see her again
Hoping that she will not forget
But in reality will things turn out the way he wanted?...

She had already moved on to another phase of life,
A new place, new job to start over again.
They gradually lost contact in the months to come,
He yearned to see her and hear from her
At least to know how she is doing.
What could he do?
Is the feeling he had for her mutual?...

Now his hope just hangs upon a string,
She and him could never be.
But no matter what he finally knows,
deep down in his heart
She will be loved...

Bye Bye Ring Ring

Call them whatever you like, handphones,cellphones,mobile or a fashion accessory, these little inventions that were once a revelation in technology are now simply a menace. It didn't occur to me initially, when the tinge of excitement and anticipation of possessing a little mobile gadget were still hanging over my head. After years of cohabiting with my mobile, I've realised that it bears a slight resemblance to women, or rather girlfriends and wives in particular, at least from my own opinion.

They are what you cannot live without but you wish that you could... at times. Times when they get especially irritating, when you just want a quite peaceful afternoon to yourself but they just keep whining at you constantly, getting on your nerves. When you wish to have them by your side they simply disappear and go out of sight. When you need them, the reception never gets better, try as you may. Just as guys have difficulties keeping their eyes peeled on some other beautiful ladies, there always seem to be newer and more attractive new models (phones, that is) that catches their attention. And when you happen to forget about them for a day, be prepared to get grilled when you face them the next time. That was what I encountered when I so conveniently left my mobile behind at home as I went out.

The thought of my mobile phone immediately crossed my mind when I could not find my friend that I was supposed to meet at the MRT station. The option of returning back home to retrieve it was not entirely out of the question but I understood that along with it came the risk of turning up late for duty. Weighing my options carefully, I finally chose to eliminate the risk rather than having my handphone with me along with some senseless military punishment meted out. The military are well-known to be quite ruthless when it comes to these sort of things... and rather brainless too. In a way itself, I felt that it could be a challenge to me, to see if a mobile phone is indeed that indispensable. Well, all I can say is that the absence of my precious mobile was replaced by a day of serenity and peace.

First of all, the right side of my pants felt a sensation like never before. Not only lighter, but the unsightly and uncomfortable bulge has also disappeared. Secondly, the likelihood of my day being plagued by unneccessary calls and SMSes was nil, providing me a rare chance to relish the feeling of vanishing away from reality into my own wonderland where no one could find me. It felt pretty good overall, except for the occasional urges to indulge in messaging and to call. Living without a mobile phone did not turn out to be that disastrous, as some might think.

The real problem came when I finally reached home later that day. My handphone screen simply read "22 missed calls". The problem wasn't quite big anyway as majority of those missed calls were simply made by A friend of mine(a guy..) who needed to contact me. It would have been more comforting for me if those 22 missed calls consisted of
1.A girl that I like and wished she would call
2.A girl that I admire and hope that she may call even though that is quite impossible
3.Any other friend except that particular guy

At least the thought of me being remembered by so many would have brightened up my day very much indeed.

Movie Trivia

I'm an avid movie-goer. I always try to make time to enjoy a good movie amidst of my hectic schedule in which I only have got weekends to spare. But it is never easy, even just to accomplish something as minor as catching a movie. When the time comes and I get the "feeling" to go catch a movie, I would be tempted to look up some of my closer guy pals to invite them along. To begin with, I have always wondered why is it that people (at least for those that I know) have to go watch a movie in groups of two or more? I never got to find out why but it seems that idea has transfixed itself onto me as whenever I intend to hit the theatres, somebody has to be there with me. Therefore, I decided on a change and attempt to do something different from my routine, i.e. to watch a movie by myself.

The reaction I got from my friend the moment I told him about my idea wasn't very encouraging."You're pathetic..." he simply said. Well, I can't blame him for not seeing my point due to the fact that he belongs to the kind of person that cannot survive without company. I say this because judging from the number of contacts that he has in his phonebook, one would think he has the whole population of Singapore as friends, although majority of his contacts are actually girls. Come to think of it, the number of female contacts in his phonebook is way more than the number of contacts I have in MY phonebook. Anyway, I figured that my idea sounds pretty good and it would be something I had never done before so heck, why not?

For now, I'm glad to say that I have watched four movies by myself so far without major glitches. The four being, 13 Going On 30, The Terminal, White Chicks and most recent of all Sepet. Though all four are brilliantly produced movies, I had always noticed something weird at each screening I went to. There is absolutely nothing wrong with the movie but instead the people present in the cinema. That is an exclusive advantage of watching movies alone as you now have the opportunity to, besides concentrating on the storyline unfolding before you, divert your attention to people around you and that can be another form of entertainment in itself. If Lady Luck shines on me, there could be a possibility of a hot chick sitting next to me too. Alas, the latter did not happen as I had wished for but I did witness some strange behaviour from weird people. From the poor lady sitting next to me who sobbed uncontrollably throughout The Terminal (I thought it was supposed to be a comedy) to the jiggling fat obnoxious girl who bellowed like thunder throughout White Chicks (she sat next to me as well...sob), poking my arm everytime she dug into her bag of chips to the gay guy who kept covering his mouth while he giggled and at the same time clutching to the hand of his other guy friend next to him throughout Sepet, each and every weirdo had cast a lasting impression on me. But I still sincerely hope that somebody normal, preferably female and very hot, will finally take their seat next to mine as I continue in my lone quest to watch movies in the future.

From what I had reaped from my solo movie adventure, I gather that this was not as "pathetic" as my friend had put it across to me. Understandably, everyone has their different views but as I think back, I feel solo movie watching does has it fun too. How many of us will actually make full use of the company of friends while watching a movie in a cinema, except to discuss how hot the girl sitting two rows in front is? I guess the only use of your friends being with you is that you have company when you finally get to relieve yourself in the washroom after the movie.

Faith For The Blind

Maybe money is not the only thing that makes the world go round, faith could play a very similar role too. That might sound like a revelation but it is quite true as I found this out over the past few days while with a close pal of mine. Having just once a week to meet up with each other, we caught up and had plenty to talk about as usual, ranging from the going-ons of the soccer scene to the what's new showing at the theatres. This topic of discussion came about after we had a game of soccer, when our minds were functioning best after a good exercise albeit us having been thrashed thoroughly earlier on. It has been a touchy topic all along but my "brother" decided to bring it up and let us face the music, instead of cowardly hiding from the truth.

He started the ball rolling by bringing up his gathering with his bunch of army pals and sharing those interesting moments where he and his buddy tried sabotaging the others. After which he told me of another guy friend of his who happened to have two fabulous pretty girls with him, both apparently trying to win his heart (and he having just broken up with an air stewardess ex). This got me wondering and I thought out aloud, "Why does it always seem that no girls will be interested in us?" The reply I got from my bro was quite nothing like what I had expected.

"You know..." he began, "we are quite nice guys actually." Continuing with much vigour. "There are girls that will be interested in us but... we won't be interested in them." He put it across quite bluntly. For that moment, I do not know whether to feel saddened by his pessimism or to be encouraged by his show of faith. Having self-reflected and pondered hard about it, I felt that the latter gave me more belief in this funny thing which I cannot and will never comprehend. With both of us having not much luck in this game of love, I was particularly impressed by the way he still had so much faith in it. For a start, this way of thinking gave us the assurance of knowing that there are actually girls out there for us, but we do not bother trying for them due to the fact that they are of indecent standard.

Not that we are extremely good-looking guys ourselves but there has got to be a certain benchmark when it comes to girls. But I do suppose all these wouldn't really matter when the time really arrives and the "right" one comes along... at least from those lovey-dovey couples I see around me. After all, I should have a certain amount of faith in love if what my close buddy says and thinks is true. Love Is Everything... or is it just a lie?

Cheap Solutions To An Expensive Problem

I just discovered a change in me. No it is not puberty and yes, I am still bloody stuck in army. So what could it be? I guess it is the poems that have been coming up lately in which every single one of them is a true representation of my feelings now and then. "The Next Eternity" marks the end of my pursuit for something that I shouldn't be even pursuing in the first place. It originated when I heard the song by Jeff Chang and I felt it was worth penning down as the lyrics touched me deeply. The latest is just about a dream that I have quite often in camp while the weird one in between about the RIGHT girl is just a wild wacky thought of mine. It sure feels good to be able to confide and express feelings this way when inspirations run thick and fast through my mind. I'm sure more will be coming up in this space as I spend each passing day in camp.

This weekend has been a different one though as I got the "exclusive" privilege of spending Saturday night out at the Padang, enjoying the clear night view and the starry night. But it was rather unfortunate as I clearly did not remember opting to go for such an activity. Its kind of like those e-mails where they claim that you have won a prize as you have signed up for something which you don't remember in the first place. And like always, just as we classify these e-mails as spam, that star-gazing activity was similar in a way, very frustrating, irritating and useless to the person having to deal with it. From the way that I have described it, you probably would have guessed that such a nonsensical activity have got something to do with the army, and you probably would have been right. It was the Sheares Bridge Run held in conjunction with the army half-marathon. Judging the amount of work needed to be done just to hold a half marathon, I really cannot bear to imagine the things needed to do if they decided to hold a full marathon. They would probably start preparations for next year's event once the current one finishes.

I guess the reason that "Sheares Bridge Run" was more emphasised than "army half-marathon" was mainly because most of the competitive runners (particularly those who ran well and actually won top prizes) were in fact, not from the army. Well, I suppose they had to link the term "army half-marathon" together with it in order to get free labour to help out with the preparations and the proceedings. Cheap move no doubt but hey, we've got nothing to do in the army as well. This may prove to be the solution to a current problem we are facing now, whether to build a casino here or not.

While the masses are busy debating the pros and cons of a casino here or how it may damage people's life and family, I thought of a brilliant solution that could increase the revenue of our country if the proposed idea of a casino came through. Instead of hiring people to man the casino, they could actually use people from the army, seeing that we really don't have anything much to do anyway. It is a cheap source of labour after all and there surely would not be a shortage of manpower since it is bloody compulsory. Guys having to serve would, for the first time, actually enjoy themselves and keep busy. What way to better serve our nation than to help improve our revenue. Seeing that the only enemies clear and present to us are the extremists and terrorists, we could invite them in for a little wager or two and let them have a good time. And if we get lucky ourselves, they may get so addicted that the so-called "harmful and ruining" effects due to an overdose of gambling may take effect on their lives and eventually destroy their family, which is the terrorist networks. Well if that fails, they may just find us a pleasant little country after all and leave us alone after collecting their winnings, since it is better to make another friend rather than an enemy.

Lost, Will I Be Found?

The warmth of the sunshine comforts my face,
The light from the day takes away my loneliness
Never again am I trapped
Nor captured within senseless measures...

My life went back to what it used to be
Everything fell into place... I felt free
A sense of familiarity overcame me as
I got back what I had lost
I'm alive once more...

I had the freedom I once took for granted,
I regained consciousness to live life
I was filled with the lost innocence of my childhood,
I felt what I had not for a long long time...

Could this be...
A breakaway from my dreaded life?
A redemption for myself?
My second chance to make it right?

The cold darkened room greeted me as I opened my eyes,
I awoke to witness reality unfolding
A harsh reminder of where I actually am,
No way of escaping, all is lost...

Somebody wake me because I must be sleeping...

Dreaming Of The Right Girl

CAPTIVATING
RAVISHING
EASY-GOING
TRUSTWORTHY
ELEGANT
SLENDER
ENDEARING
FRIENDLY
ALLURING

The Next Eternity

On the day that bordered us apart
You did not say goodbye
And all I have left are images of you...
In my mind.

I stand alone wondering if love was ever present
Or am I just breaking my heart
I could not find an eternity with you
In our memories past.

If tomorrow I awake as a different person,
I will not love you again as a sinner
Never to remember that I had once loved you
Letting go of painful memories that my mind once filled.

Time itself is a test for us
Memories of our sad story are all became to dust
Scarred my heart with my pain numbed, those wounds will never heal
Accompanying me in my lonely quest for the next eternity with you.

Hopefully tomorrow I awake as a different person
Never to love you again as before
Hopefully I can forget you were once my inspiration
To accept life as it is and to love again.

Wishing...
That one day if we shall meet
We will embrace with open arms
And cherish the next eternity.

Hoping one day...
If we can ever reunite in our memories
We will be in the next eternity... together

Pure Madness from Within

There is only one word that can describe the way my weekend has been. Crazy. Crazy for different reasons though, particularly for what I had managed to accomplish. To begin with, I finally got the opportunity to see an idol of mine up, close and personal. The ten-year wait came to a pleasant end when I turned up for his concert at the Indoor Stadium and it was one hell of a show, his standard of singing extremely outstanding. The hectic chase for this idol of mine brought me to Junction 8 the following day for his autograph session. I am not one who craze over any other celebrities but only those who are really and truly talented. I can now safely say the ten-year following have not been wasted.

Talented celebrities is becoming a rare species nowadays, somewhat nearing to the point of being extinct. I found out about this fact while watching the Singapore Hit Awards show. It just tells me something, that new artistes nowadays have become really really horrible. If the awards are to be presented to them, I suppose they should just name it as Singapore Horror Awards. Some of the awards were presented to certain artistes who did not deserve them in the first place, yet they still have a strong fan base and following here. Other artistes who deserved the awards ended up with zilch, no recognition for their excellent work.

A particular singer caught my attention, for the wrong reasons. He had an absolutely terrible singing voice that screeches everytime he tries to hit a high note and he just looks like your regular neighbourhood gangster that hangs out in coffeeshops. Which makes me wonder why he won best local artiste in the first place. His name sounded something like "dozen" in chinese.

Well, that certainly did not spoil much of my wonderful weekend. I even managed to squeeze in a movie between my busy schedule. "The Terminal" was a great movie with an exceptionally talented cast and absorbing plot that was comedic yet meaningful at the same time. Though the woman sitting next to me did freaked me out when she started sobbing midway through the movie. But other than that I really enjoyed the movie, especially when you have Catherine Zeta-Jones as an air stewardess.

The weekend came to a beautiful end when I got another chance to see another air stewardess (in this case, air stewardess in the making), this time in a picture. Not Catherine Zeta-Jones of course but close. All good things always come to an end and they truly did when reality hit me, telling me I have to return to camp. At least I will know that for this week, all I have in my photographic memory will be Jeff Chang, Catherine Zeta-Jones and another air stewardess friend, to take me through to the next weekend.

Brainless Thoughts

While wasting my life away in camp, one of my friends gave me a pretty good thought to ponder about, thus presenting me with the opportunity to actually use my brain in camp. I jumped on that idea excitedly, seeing that I finally had something decent to do, but the question he had asked stumped me quite abit. "Why must we be in the army?" he lamented. Noticing that I was visibly stunned, he simply drooped his shoulders and walked away, resigned to his fate. That particular question, having crossed my mind before, had troubled me since but I shrugged it off as I just could not figure out the answer.

Now that it has resurfaced, I was tempted to give him the same age-old answers that I have been hearing, "It is because you're a guy and it is your responsibility" or "Because you are born and raised here in Singapore". Considering that he himself might have heard it a billion times before, I decided against my initial response for my own well-being as he looked irate and frustrated when he approached me, desperate for an answer that made sense. Staying in these camps can really drive you crazy at times.

NS is also known as national service... I marveled at my brilliance. But if that is the case, then shouldn't the entire population be serving the army if it is on a national scale? Nah, not a good explanation. If I followed the four lettered word that is emblazoned on the back of all the dull grey t-shirts that we are made to wear, ARMY would just simply mean A Really Meaningless Youth, since it has become their practice to capture innocent young civilian men and enforce onto them the military life, thus wasting 2.5 years of their precious youth. I am sure my friend would have been pretty contented with that answer, more for wit than reason, but he had already left.

Maybe the myth of losing your brain cells when you enter the army really has some truth in it after all. Having just moved to another camp for whatever training, a few of us came upon a drab and empty room that seemed to have been vacated since the last World War, multi-layered of dust and five-year old lizards greeted us when we entered. We could not do much but to bunk in that room. The unthinkable happened. A portly figure appeared at the door early next morning. No it is not a ghost although its facial features had a certain amount of similarity. "It" spoke out in a stern voice that sounded more like a warning, "Do you all realise that this is an office ah? How can you all bunk in here huh?" I realised he happened to be some big shot from that camp. I stared at the so-called "office" and turned to him, immediately wondering if he had ever seen a real office before. Perhaps in the army, the level of IQ you possess is inversely proportionate to your rank.

The strangest thing to happen had yet to come. Another friend of mine approached a guy who was just about to go for his night off and requested a favour from him. He apparently had a craving for some food from KFC and so he said, "Hey get me a colonial burger later k?"

Images of a clumsily made burger with a british flag sticking out on the top flooded my mind as I tried to fathom out what he intended to say. It wasn't until very much later when I figured out that he must have been trying to say colonel burger then my mind rested at ease. This just proves that staying overly long in camp indeed kills your brain cells away.

Of Birthdays and Headaches

Somehow, I feel this period of time between mid-August and September has not been very kind to me. Don't get me wrong, it is not due to the impasse between Starhub Cable and ESPN. Neither is it due to the dumb out-camp training I am involved with at a camp whose facilities belong to the 80s. Its just that the scatter of friends that I know happen to celebrate their birthdays during this period. Add my father to that growing list and it just adds up to one big headache. The pain in my head grows as fast as the hole in my pocket. Worse still, the question of what to get them is what bothers me the most. It sure feels good when you are on the receiving end of such pampering but all is taken away from you when the onus is on you to shower your friends with what they deserve.

Will it be appropriate if their birthday gift is of some similarity to yours, be it in terms of monetary value or form? What does he really wants? What if he sees the exact same thing in a clearance sale at an abandoned warehouse? These questions pound my head further. Sure enough there goes a saying "Its the thought that counts." If that is the case, it would have been enough if I ever remembered their birthdays. At least I THOUGHT of them. Somehow or rather, the words of that particular saying brings with it a whole new meaning these days. A little token of appreciation have to be accompanied with your so-called thought. My task could be simplified if the "token of appreciation" was purely judged on how much I actually appreciated the particular receiver of my gifts.

This topic was brought up for discussion over lunch about a week ago. My dad's opinion of things could certainly teach me a thing or two. Since this irritating question pops up every now and then, some advice should come in handy. "Gifts are, in fact, not that important when it comes to birthdays..." my father paused as he took a bite of his dim-sum delicacy. "What matters most is the way that you normally treat your friends, especially those that are closer to you. If you and your friend spend enough quality time and your friendship is built upon years of trust and understanding, a simple birthday greeting on his special day will do. Look at me and my long time buddy. I have known Chew for over 20 years now and birthday or special occasions never did pose many problems for us. After all its the thought that counts." That last sentence rang a bell in my head.

Digesting my father's pieces of information, I sensed what he said had some truth in it. Remembering a friend's birthday just for the sake of remembering depreciates the thought. The value of your thought would have been far greater if you remember a friend's birthday because of the solid friendship that have been built over time. You want to remember and celebrate because this person means much to you. With that, I realised that my problems have been lifted. Mentally erasing some of the unsuitable names from my list, I was left with a few friends that was worth the thought AND the present. I became convinced that this would be money well spent for friends that I truly cared for.

Out of sheer curiosity, I asked dad another question. "Well then... So do you remember Uncle Chew's birthday?" he stared down at his half drunk chinese tea and thought hard about it. "Hmm... I don't really remember..." came a confused reply. Well, so much for the thought of a close friend.

(But my memory's better though, so here's to those mentioned... Happy belated Birthday to Nicholas, same for Tomas, Qingwei and Xuehan. Happy Birthday to Jerome a.k.a Jay, Cassandra and of course my father. Happy Birthday Dad...)

Murmurs Of The Shameless In The Dark

I have never been quite able to figure certain people out. Call me simple but I reckon that some of these shady creatures are not as simple as we make them out to be. They could even be more eerie than "those that we don't speak of". As such, they might be compelled to find hideaous coveralls that provides more room than those flimsy red ones in "The Village", considering the amount of behind-your-back deeds they intend to carry out. I discovered this when a trusty buddy of mine let me in on some precious info that I missed out while he was present at a gathering in which I was supposed to be present too (but I've got more important things to do, like watching the NDP parade).

"Hey, you know, S mentioned something about you and your ex at our gathering? Damn funny man... Got the whole class laughing..." he broke the news to me unwittingly. S never quite gave me a good impression during college days. Being the smart girl that she is, she tends to know too much of info, most of them which rendered quite useless. Blessed with smouldering looks, crystal-like eyes and porcelain skin, she got the adrenaline of many males pumping whenever she passes by. She too managed to keep abreast (no pun intended) of the latest gossip or rumour with her female counterparts. The latest released by her happened to hit bestseller with my classmates but for me it was like a stab in the dark.

According to her reliable resources, her friend-cum-spy-cum-busybody reportedly witnessed me sending my ex-girlfriend home. This sounds suspicious as the last time I severed ties with my ex-girl was during ancient times and by releasing this piece of news only now, one can wonder how reliable and accurate her sources are. Following that, she claimed that I had instructed the taxi-driver to drop her off at the main road juncture and left her to walk the remaining journey back home. It put me in really bad light. If I was really the scrooge that she made me out to be, I would have invited my ex to walk all the way home. Or similarly, I could have brought S along to irritate the taxi driver with her blabber mouth till he gets so mad that he orders us off his vehicle. Considering her exclusive gossiping talent, I am certain that she can last me the entire journey from Orchard to Tuas.

Being the reasonable person that I am, I refrained myself from going into any personal battle with her. Instead, I gathered my thoughts, pondering over what could have caused such a fabricated and outlandish outburst from that girl. Three possible reasons surfaced:
a. She bore a grudge against me.
b. She began to resemble her new pet puppy, a female one at that.
c. She was not in the right state of mind when she spoke those words.

From what I figure, I suppose option C would be the most suitable explanation for her actions. Perfection has never been a known trait that existed within mankind. When our actions somehow go wrong, our state of mind becomes the axis of our little crime. It is never easy, whether controlling our thoughts, speech or action, especially when all these can affect interpersonal relationships. People say it is a jungle out there and jungle survival has never been more important. From this particular incident, all I can say is while we are out there, beware of a shady, hideaous creature in a red hood lurking among the trees. It may turn out to be a psychotic rumour-wielding person who is out to harm you... "Those that we don't speak of".

An Inspiration to Life

Simplicity at its very best
Ingenuity of God's creation
Though life never did play her a good card
Ingrained within her is a heart of gold

Resemblance of an angel
One of its kind
Heavenly beauty etched in my mind
Held in my memory as the eighth world wonder
A precious sight to behold
Nothing on earth could match her splendour
Inspiration to my life.

HEY... ITS BEEN AWHILE...

Just one day into this long weekend of mine, I received a call from my best buddy from college. He was the kind of guy who would not call for no reason so I answered his call with great expectance. "Hey Bernard... There is a class gathering this weekend, wanna come along?" Those words immediately weighed me down. After all, what I can remember of my class in college is as little as what I had learnt since entering the NS, National Service for short (Nonsensical Service for me), a phase in which innocent young men are captured by force to enter this unfortunate service sector. Though it is meant to instil some national pride in us young men, I do not see how it can be achieved by doing this. But I digress. I asked for some time to consider about the gathering as I was torn between going and not going, and promised to get back to my buddy soon.

For all I know, the enjoyment of the long weekend had been taken away from me as all that filled my mind was to think about whether to go for that little gathering of mine. I weighed the pros and cons, thought about what better things to do besides reuniting with my college classmates and even tried to formulate presentable yet reasonable excuses if my final decision was not to turn up at the gathering. The reason for this big hoo-ha was quite simple. Those classmates of mine were not your usual classmates. To put it simply, they gave me a sense of distrust and impressed upon me that they were my classmates just for the sake of being my classmates, unlike some of my friends whom I really consider as close, clean-cut friends. It may just be me being slightly introverted but one can tell a true friend from a fiend. There were certain incidents which put some of my classmates in a difficult spot and which I felt certainly could have been avoided. Come to speak of, there was another incident too in which I was involved with (unwillingly) and its haste conclusion simply disgusts me. I am not one to bear grudges but there is a saying that goes 'You can forgive but never forget'. Yes, when people come together there are bound to be wrongings and misunderstandings but these so-called 'misunderstandings' do not stop coming. A deeper interaction with my classmates reveals much about their innermost thoughts and the revelations are shocking. Almost each and every one of them will have displeasing opinions about a certain person. I certainly think that one could live with lesser enemies.

And once people sharing the same opinions and attitude come together, they form something called a clique. The ones left over who do not belong in any cliques happen to be those who tend to stay neutral, and I belong to one of them. This leaves me with nothing to talk about with the rest of my scheming classmates, only the two or three innocent neutrals. News was that the two or three neutrals' attendance at the gathering was yet to be confirmed and I was left in a dilemma. My best buddy had to be there as he was pressed to go.

I began to think reasonably. I must say this doesn't happen very often with me. They were after all, my college friends who, fortunately or unfortunately, spent the past two years with me. We may not have gone through thick or thin but we did rode through the rough college course together. Having shared joy and sorrow, I have to learn to accept that they were once part of my life before. Since it was lunch on a Sunday, I suppose it was no harm to see them again, to relive the old times. That last piece of thinking got me really glad for my maturity had began to show a year into young adulthood. I had found a conclusion to my dilemma.

It was a beautiful sunny Sunday as I awoke. I slept late into the morning and went ahead with my breakfast nearing the afternoon. After which, I proceeded to indulge myself in my latest acquisition, Winning Eleven 8. They may be my classmates but to leave them in my memories would be satisfying enough for me.