Blog...

A song about a blog, on my blog... Extremely meaningful and melancholic, reflects reality clearly, love it.


部落格到底是什么？它真正的意义何在？是让人们倾诉的好友，随传随到？还是让人们写出自己不可告人的秘密的工具？或者似一本日记一样，让繁忙的都市人记载自己的心声，辛酸与快乐，以防忙碌的生活使人们把所有美好的回忆给遗忘了？

因为拥有回忆，才会有今天的我们; 因为了解自己的回忆，才会明白生活的点点滴滴; 因为珍惜所有的美丽回忆，才会慢慢而成长。部落格就是让我们储存回忆的宝库，无论好或坏，都值得纪念。

写部落格的人，是否隐藏着内心的无助，现实生活的孤独？被残酷的遗忘，难道答案真的存在网络里，在部落格上？


美只剩过往云烟
时间到转那页
我才了解爱的美丽诗篇

说爱走到了极限
我想google爱情
有没有答案在网络里面

在我的指尖敲打着键盘
无声的却爱的深刻
或许在爱的部落格
储存着思念

就这样我颓废
夜无法入睡
用沉默把自己灌醉
街灯它洒白了房间
夜色弥漫孤单气味

爱无畏只是给不给
你了解装做无所谓
时空隔开爱的真伪
相拥的棉被
只剩下爱情的余味

部落格 - 黄义达

Positively Negative vs Negatively Positive

It has been brought to my attention that this particular blog has been a tad too dark and depressing for some. To me, instead of describing it as depressing, it is an outlet where I can let off some steam in a bid to save my sanity and express my vindictive self, for I personally believe that a crime of heinous proportions had been committed against me and a huge amount of unfairness have been dealt to me. It is as similar to a horrendously bad decision made where you get relegated just because of some shady dealings of other clubs... in addition to the FA siding with that perpetrator of a football club and handing them only a fine. Hmm... What would Ken McCabe do? Pretty much the same here I guess, except maybe a little more whiney. As it is, I totally understand how Sheffield United felt.

Well to begin with, lets look at this negative criticism in a positive light, it actually shows that a) contrary to my beliefs, this blog still has readership, b) these people actually care about its contents. This could be attributed to a difference in opinions, thinking or simply just the way we are sociologically brought up and integrated into society. Anyway, like they always say, it is variety among people that makes society interesting as a whole. Suffice to say, I am not about to give this humble blog a drastic facelift by adding smiley emoticons and flowers everwhere, making it all gay and cheery, but just a slight change in its direction will do.

So, as it is, I shall start on the positives of life. I guess the reason why the entries may seem depressing to some could be because of the nature of the entries’ content, which has been roughly about many, many undeniable facts of life, or rather my life, as I have began to grasp. And as I have discovered, these are dark cruel truths of life. In life’s path, there are bound to be certain paths that are not meant for us to take, and I have learnt to appreciate the process of understanding, giving up and acceptance of reality. It has been said that just as God closes a path for you, another better path will definitely open up. And instead of emphasizing on the "why", I have learnt to enjoy the beauty of it and appreciate the surrounding scenery on this new journey. Just go along with destiny and the path will seem much easier.

And therefore comes the need for a channel to release some steam and pent-up frustration occasionally, which of course majority would be negative, in order to cherish and treasure the positives that come about, sort of like the side effects of withdrawal symptoms. Constantly having to give up and readapting our socio-psycho selves to fit our environment can be a arduous chore. As if Murphy's Law has chosen to establish itself in my reality, the wrong just keeps multiplying itself; the arduous chore just becomes herculean when you are constantly reminded visually every now and then of something you wish you could just forget totally.

In a way similar to yin and yang, a delicate balance exists between the positives and negatives in life. Without sadness, we would not know what happiness is about; without hate, we would not know love; without betrayal, we would not understand trust; and without knowing wrong, we would not know how to define what is right, vice versa. And in order for me to move on, it is a preference of mine to retain those memories that have been deeply embedded in my mind, and to enhance its value and beauty with the accompaniment of good music and wonderful lyrics. Whenever a wonderfully composed and written song touches me, a certain part of my memory closely associated with that song would instinctively jump out of my mind and that song would be ingrained together with that piece of memory, etched somewhere in my mind, hence the reason for those song-cum-lyrics entries. Just a melancholic way to beautify the memories, no matter how sad they may be.

However, this does not mean that I do not notice the positive and wonderful things that happen in life everyday. I am constantly reminded of them everyday, even as I write my blog here. Having the ability to move freely; to feel, think, smell, taste; to study and understand humans and behaviour through sociology; to have the accompaniment of my few close friends; to have the honour of having true friends who are concerned and their criticism, acting like a wake-up call for me; to drive around when I get the chance to; to hit a good forehand tennis stroke and hearing a satisfying crisp sound of the tennis racket hitting the ball; attending mass and understanding the sermon; lastly, to wake up every morning.


Well, to the uninformed, it is totally understandable that certain opinions may be formed without a clear knowledge of the context and nature upon reading my entries, though Fabius got it absolutely correct when he guessed whose ass I wanted to kick so badly (I guess it was idiot-proof). But thanks to Xy for bringing my attention to this ‘problem’, branding my blog a depressing space and to Serene who actually thought I sounded “despo” (?!?) seemed to have done the trick for me to clear the final hurdle. After all, what I went through was indeed a very disappointing, traumatizing, repulsive and scandalous affair, and I would not wish it upon anybody else. As appalling and disgusting it may be, I tried to make the best out of it and withdrew myself from the situation in a graceful manner, for I wanted to retain the best part of those memories. It may have taken quite some time, but I think I have managed to do it. Life is pretty short, try to make it beautiful.

Well, remaining positive in the face of negative circumstances and seeking the positives out of negative comments - that is truly being courageous when adversity comes knocking on your door and drawing out the positives in life.

In The Rain

遇见了你，我以为这就是幸福的起点。相反的，我却陷入谷底，到了心灰意冷的终点。这段回忆，漫长的等待，让我受尽了刺骨的寒冷，残酷的心碎，似在狂风暴雨之中。。。而到了最后，我一无有，只有泪与雨水淋湿的脸，却只看到你和他，踏上了幸福，那雨后的彩虹。。。 我无能为力。我人还在淋雨中，等待着未知的未来，仍试着尝试找出你爱上他的理由。也许，装傻也是一种幸福吧。

淋雨中

风吹乱的头发
在我眼前挣扎
把想你剪成几段
沙沙的彷徨

雨有一点急躁
在我脸上涂鸦
把心情画得乱七八糟
滴答滴答响

我手上没有伞
分手的信有一张
我没有哭是雨水渗透
写你爱他那一行

我在淋雨中
看你步上彩虹
我分不了轻重
你幸福我该否祝福
我在淋雨中
背着你走不动
我还有一个梦
被雨水带离我的天空

我的笑容会很酷
若和你们巧碰
放心我会收起我的痛

停雨之后我不会再哭。。。

Truths of Life

The exams are finally over. By that, I also mean that the results are out and everything has been done and dusted; normality, peace and tranquility resumes. This also marks the end of my first year in NUS. Life in university has not been tremendously overwhelming nor absolutely monotonous, falling just somewhere in between. But the workload was anything but light, unlike the popular belief, or so I've been told, which goes "First year? Nothing much la!..." As usual, the period before the exams is a frantic time for mugging, catching up on readings, summarising notes etc.

For me, it was pretty much the same routine, retreating back into my room, reading and flipping through piles of notes blah blah...bleah, with my trusty radio accompanying me through the lonely nights. I also provided myself an added incentive to do even better this semester, in order to "avenge" the big injustice done towards me early this semester (or before the semester even began, depending on when the betrayal actually happened). In my words, I vowed to 'kick-ass' in the exams, a way to get back and take my revenge at the shameless perpetrator.

Well, what a way to do it as the results showed, I certainly delivered my promises and kicked some ass with a brilliant CAP score of 4.1 that far exceeded my target (though I would have preferred to take physical revenge by kicking the ass of a particular shameless individual). That certainly made my birthday all the more merrier as I progressed into my twenty-second year of existence. I would like to convey my appreciation to all kind-hearted souls who bothered to remind me of this special day. Having started to learn to play tennis (thanks to Weili who helped me pick up the sport), I got myself a tennis racket as a present. Hopefully, I'll be smashing forehands and hitting volleys like Rafael Nadal in the near future. Also, thanks for the present from my lil' sis and the movie-cum-prata treat from my great army buddies, Lionel and Jackson.

But it was not until last weekend that I received the best present of all, and it came from the man himself, GOD. Well, not directly from Him but actually from a homily my church priest delivered over the weekend during mass. It definitely provided me some enlightenment and useful insight into the mystery of life. He touched on the topic of the truths of life, beginning with the million-dollar question "What exactly are the truths in life?" Initially I had my doubts, for I did not believe any mortal could have an answer to that question. Its like the big guy up there decided, "Hey, that's for me to know and for you all to find out..." But, the priest did mention that these answers he gathered were merely "glimpses" of the truths, not the whole truth. At that point in time, I guess it was worth listening to... after all it was coming from a servant of God and I figured I could do with knowing some precious truths of this highly complex and unpredictable thing called life. Sensing that one of life's greatest mysteries was about to unveil, I discarded all distracting thoughts and paid full attention. So here they are...

Truths of life

• Life is difficult.
  


• No pain, no gain.
  


• The past is only history, be obsessed with the future as it is a mystery.
  

These three truths may sound pretty cliche to many, but somehow, it made me look at life from a whole new perspective after listening to the entire homily. Life has never been the same for me after that traumatising "Perpetrator-HiJack-gate" incident and it made me realised life's total unpredictability, redefining the term "possession" for me. After all, aren't possessions merely a symbollical representation of material ownership? And, for all the hype surrounding love, isn't love basically mere ownership of a particular human form? Having somebody's company, feeling of acceptance and a sense of security.

Why can't humans just rise beyond this hierachy of needs and achieve the ultimate gratification level of self-actualization? Is what I want really what I need? A thin line separates wants and needs and often, life only gives you what you want; provided you deserve it, but not what you need, as human needs are insatiable. I have learnt to take what life offers, for you have to go with the flow, or drown amidst life's raging currents.

And, looking back at God's "birthday present" for me, everything I have reflected on and thought about fits in the picture nicely. Yes, life is not a bed of roses and life's path can be arduous and perplexing. There are difficult times when circumstances forces you to adjust and adapt, and adjust and adapt you shall for it is the order of survival, even if it means painfully giving up the pursuit of something / someone as fate would not have it. And the gain? The feeling of a clear and enlightened mind, thoughts seemingly straightened out and the ability to focus on what really matters in life. To move on, even when it really seems an uphill task, be interested in the future for that is where you will eventually end up. There are times yet when the "soft" side of me undermines my newly-found doggedness, but I am in the process of shaking it off...

If only I can just ignore the going-ons of liaison (read: pair of shoes) in the adjacent residence. Happy Birthday...