Thoughts on the Final Day of my 22nd year

Another semester comes to an end, and come to think of it, I will be year 3 when the next semester starts... heck, I am not even sure if my second year was successful. I finally decided to do something meaningful (like blogging) only now, even though my day of liberation arrived on the 8th of May. Reason being that I very much wanted to be able to laze around and indulge in a time which I could really call my own, after the exertions of another crazy semester, academically and personally, psychologically, emotionally and mentally, I was drained.


So for the past two weeks, it has been random net surfing, reading local community forums (which can be very informative and resourceful), watching DVDs, religiously following the serial drama every night (which is extremely addictive), playing PS3, brushing up and aiming to improve my Japanese language, becoming a tennis freak and training up physically, which is a great way to release pent-up frustrations. Of course, I have been busy job-hunting too, upon seeing so many of my friends doing something important this break, be it internships, part-time jobs or projects etc. Occasionally, a feeling of guilt and shame will overcome me, after analysing how "useless" I am. Fingers-crossed, I hope to land myself a temporary assignment before June starts.


Forced circumstantially and out of habit, I would like to review this period of life semester by semester. First of all, it is a good way to ensure that I do not forget many of those events that made me and broke me, and that I have to learn. This developmental stage method can be quite useful. Secondly, it gives me a good excuse not to update my blog every once in a while. And from what happened to a blogger who was arrested recently, it seems that not blogging too often can be a good thing after all.


Well, for a semester that had promised so much, it has nearly ended in tatters. I use the word nearly, for everything hangs on my results, which will be released next week (coincidentally, on my 23rd birthday). It does seem that I should be on course for greatness this semester, seeing how my projects had panned out, with A's and A-'s obtained in every piece of assignment and project (except for tourism), but you can never be too sure of any outcome for it ain't over till the fat lady sings.



For now, I am just glad to be able to experience everything that comes my way and not bother myself too much or being too obsessed with chasing the impossible. The natural disasters in Myanmar, especially the China earthquake, has reminded me about the fragility of life and how everything can be taken away in an instant. Being alive and able to experience life fully is a gift in itself. What is meant to be, will eventually be. Forcing the matter will just not work out at all and may even bite you back. I think what matters is to be at peace with yourself, accept eventualities, for whatever you do, it is damned if you do and damned if you don't, which is how 变奏曲 "Rhythm of Life" depicts the pervasive effect of decisions made by an individual.



On the eve of the long-awaited and long-dreaded 30th of May, I guess this is what I have learnt in my 22nd year of existence. Of all, I feel the biggest blessing for me is to be able to learn Sociology and really understand the subtle mysteries of social life, reinforcing my stand, after a lengthy consideration of my circumstances, that I would most probably remain a withdrawn social participant yet being observant and analytical to the smallest details.



Another year older, another year of youth diminished, another year experienced, another year closer to the end...

Happy 23rd Birthday to me.

UEFA Champions League Winners!

Flashback: 26th May 1999. I stared in disbelief at the television screen as my team, Manchester United, did the impossible by scoring two goals in injury time and winning the Champions League by coming back from being a goal down. I jumped for joy, albeit silently and restrained, for it was in the wee hours of the morning. I never thought I had another chance to savour such a sweet moment of triumph...

Now: 21st May 2008. It was '99 all over again. This time round had a different feel, as I was watching the Moscow final at a friend's house. An early goal from Ronaldo and a lucky goal from Chelsea could not separate both sides, yet I felt somehow Man United had fate on their side, and probably deserved to win too. I thought all was gone when it came to Chelsea's 5th penalty with the scores at 4-4... just like how I felt it was all gone when the linesman displayed the 3 minutes of injury time back at Barcelona with Man United 0-1 down.

Terry slipped and missed, Van der Sar saved the 7th penalty... and the job was completed. It was a second coming for me, having the chance to relive the joy of '99 and being able to witness Manchester United winning 2 of their 3 European victories! I celebrated along with them and revelled in their joy, even though I was thousands of mile away. I took great pleasure in watching the disappointed faces of money-faced Kenyon, Cole(s), Mikel, and how the arrogant faces of Ballack and Terry transformed to one of utter dejection. It was sweet victory, sweet revenge. If only their manager was still Mourinho, it would even have been sweeter.

It was indeed a special night for Manchester United and for myself.

逃生をしたい

一生中能有多少挫折？不断的受了一段又一段的打击和失败，心已承受到了麻木的境界，孤单的侵袭从习惯变成了喜欢。五四三二一。。。一个人倒数孤单。

需要找一个出口。。。逃。生。誰能知道？此刻錯身而過的....是短暫停留的過客?
還是一生不可取代的幸福?
無法確定, 該要往哪個方向走? 才能遇見幸福重生的曙光？所以繼續在這個城市中,不斷的....

相遇。 停留。 交錯。

逃生
高脚杯里 你的唇印 带上冷漠刺青
是一张心碎证明
冷风过境 收进心底 痛苦无力防御
手一摊就被占据

脱罪的话你可以 说了千遍还不腻 听到的和感觉到的有差距

放过自己 放过压抑 放过整片浮生的记忆
往事痛击 孤单侵袭 习惯就可以
感情的戏 我没演技 赢不了你温柔挑衅
只好丢弃 只好不回忆
用沉默反击
逃生的路会在哪里
我要自由 不要窒息
曾经以为你就是氧气 原来的是闹剧
爱过一场 输得彻底

高脚杯里 你的唇印 带上冷漠刺青
是一张心碎证明
冷风过境 收进心底 痛苦无力防御
手一摊就被占据

脱罪的话你可以 说了千遍还不腻 听到的和感觉到的有差距

放过自己 放过压抑 放过整片浮生的记忆
往事痛击 孤单侵袭 习惯就可以
感情的戏 我没演技 赢不了你温柔挑衅
只好丢弃 只好不回忆
用沉默反击
逃生的路会在哪里 我要自由 不要窒息
曾经以为你就是氧气 原来的是闹剧
爱过一场 输得彻底

放过自己 放过压抑 放过整片浮生的记忆
往事痛击 孤单侵袭
喜欢就可以
感情的戏 我没演技 赢不了你温柔挑衅
只好丢弃 只好不回忆
用沉默反击

A Leap of Faith Away From A Month of Shock

Well it has been a month of shock and changes. First shock that hit me was the realisation that there are 29 days this month, which partly explains my deliberate attempt to blog an entry on this day. So much for the ordinary man attempting to celebrate insignificant details of daily life to mark the developmental change in one's life cycle. The shock involved in this long February (well, longer by one more day) was of such tremendous magnitude that even the usual font I selected looks different.

The second shock was the sudden revival of my blog's popularity and demand for new entries. I actually have 2 requests (yes 2 requests!), not 1 but 2, request to see a new entry. I never dreamt that this day would actually arrive, for it is as rare as Singapore winning the bid to host something big in 2010 and having a terrorist set loose in our midst. Wait, these did happen... Which has left me reeling in even more shock.

To be honest, all the hype about the youth olympic games did not excite me at all for I see it as a poor attempt to deflect public attention from the earlier proposed plan of Singapore 2010, which is a blueprint drawn out for Singapore's football squad to make it to the finals of the World Cup. If that has no realistic chance of happening, the sports council figured that something must be done to avoid a barrage of complains from the incensed public pointing out what a bore Singapore is. But anyway, kudos to whoever made this YOUTH olympic possible for it may finally make us famous and people will finally realise that Singapore is, in fact, not a part of China! On the other hand though, the situation may be made worse given the fact that there is Beijing 2008 for the Olympics and Singapore 2010 for the youth olympics, as the close proximity of the two olympic games may reinforce the wrong ideas that some people hold, that Singapore is, in fact, some part of China. Well, shit happens.

Contradictory and confusion are currently the dominators in my life right now, as you can see from the olympic games proposition earlier, as I attempt to complete a 3-page (yes not 1, not 2 but 3) philosophy essay. I never had to endure so much pain writing an essay before and I will be honestly very very glad when it is all done and dusted. As it is, fatigue fills my mind to the brim as I have also just completed a 11-page social work essay. Just another week in an undergraduate's life...

The shock for February is not over. On the 22nd (i.e. 22/2/2008), I had my only tutorial of the day and proceeded to the deck for my usual lunch. Just as I was about to settle down after buying some food, a sickening cracking sound followed by a loud growl pierced the air. From where I was seated, I had the vantage point of the entire construction site of the NUS alumni site and I witnessed the 60m-tall crane crashing down. It seemed so surreal yet the impact it had was devastating. I immediately abandoned any thoughts of it being a mediated incident as the angle which it fell had pulverized some trees nearby. That instant when it fell felt like an eternity as I cast a worried glance towards the crowded bus stop (which was about 2-3m away from where the crane head landed) and the lecture theatre nearby (which was about 20m away). Upon first look, I was shocked but I assured myself that nobody must have been injured as the site under the crane was just an empty piece of ground, with not much activity going on. After talking with a contractor who was evacuated from the construction site and knowing more about the accident, I discovered that 3 people had been killed and 2 injured. The news of these deaths struck me hard as I could only stand and look on in a daze. I find it difficult to believe that at the moment which I was eating, 3 unfortunate souls lost their lives just about 100m away. Having witnessed such a disaster, my perspective of life has definitely changed as the sheer fragility of life strikes me. I have to learn to appreciate the opportunity of living and experiencing stuff everyday now, even all the shit that comes with it, as some others who want to may not have the chance to do so. May God bless the 3 departed souls in the NUS crane accident.

The very next day, while watching a football match, the notion of cherishing whatever one has was again further drilled into my head. In the third minute of the Birmingham vs Arsenal game, Arsenal forward Eduardo had his leg broken in two places while being tackled by a Birmingham defender. On first look, it did not look that serious (just like that crane incident when I first saw it) but the pictures of the bad tackle was horrifying. Eduardo had broken and dislocated his ankle in what the surgeons had called it a compound fracture. Sometimes I am glad for my decision to play tennis instead of football as some of these injuries in football can be really really nasty.

Moving onto a lighter note, February has taught me that life sometimes unknowingly paves the path for me gradually, no matter what problems present itself. And, the right time will definitely present itself for a particular desire you have been hungry for before, which you may have already forgotten about it or given it up. I have never been so sure about anything before but I am a 100% sure that PS is trying to avoid me like the plague. It breaks my heart to realise this and to even note it down but this is reality. Why would anyone back away from a bus that they were intending to board and when they were just only three steps away from the bus entrance? Well, the answer must be because they saw somebody who seriously disgusts them and who had just boarded the bus before them. Yes, that person is in fact (me) and sad to say, it really sucks to be me.

Nonetheless, the sociology of tourism module presented me with the chance to get to know Irys better as we have to complete a research study together. My memory of Irys was that I used to be crazy over her and even joined a camp with another friend in hope of getting the chance to know her back in year 1. That did not turn out too well and I have moved away from that turbulent year ever since. Now, having the opportunity to work with her with my feelings already detached from my mind, I must say that she is really a fun person to be with and an amazing, organized worker, which complements my style perfectly. Hopefully, our pairing will make this research a success.

Looking forward, may I MARCH on (pun fully intended) strongly and find the peace within myself to cherish whatever I have. In addition, may I get the inspiration to select the best and appropriate presents for the huge number of 21st birthday-friends that I have.

时光机，能够让一切重来吗？

那阳光碎裂在熟悉场景 好安静
一个人能背多少的往事 真不轻
谁的笑谁的温暖的手心 我着迷
伤痕好像都变成了曾经

全剧终看见满场空座椅 灯亮起
这故事好像真实又像虚幻的情景
只是那好不容易被说服的自己
借口又顶不住懊恼的侵袭

好后悔 好伤心
想重来行不行
再一次我就不会走向这样的结局
好后悔 好伤心
谁把我放回去
我愿意付出所有来换一个时光机
对不起 独自回荡在空气没人听
最后又是孤单到天明

真的痛 总是来得很轻盈没声音
从背后慢慢缓缓抱着我就像你
你和我还有很多的地方还没去
为何留我荒唐的坐在这里

好后悔 好伤心
想重来行不行
再一次我就不会走向这样的结局
好后悔 好伤心
谁把我放回去
我愿意付出所有来换一个时光机
对不起 独自回荡在空气没人听
最后又是孤单到天明

最后又是孤单到天明

Virulent Day

Having the luxury and fortune of having no lessons at all today, I get the extra little bit of time to dump some of my thoughts here. Makes moving around a little less burdensome, at least with a clearer mind. Somehow or rather, this particular Thursday just does not feel like any other Thursdays, for there seems to be an air of dread, boredom and resignation that is stronger than usual. Then it dawned upon me that it must be valentine's day, the deadliest day for those individuals who have yet to attain that glorified state of being as defined by the social.

I find it highly amusing that, just about 2-3 weeks ago, having no idea of what possessed me, I embarked on a wonderful plan (I thought it was wonderful at that time) to try to make my presence felt with another girl before it went oh-so-horribly wrong. Back then, I had the guts to even fantasize about looking forward to this day when I assumed I should have the chance to snag a date with her, for I had 2-3 weeks back then to do so. Fast forward to 2-3 weeks later, and I find myself sitting at home blogging away, planning what readings to do and which assignments to start, maybe going for a run later before dragging my ass to work at night. So it seems that this day was planned for me a long time ago. So its just me, myself and I on this dreary Thursday.

On the bright side, I get my time to myself, I get to blog (bleah), I get to avoid being charged exorbitantly by evil restaurants looking to overcharge dummies today, I do not have to plan for something so meticulously and end up not meeting somebody else's expectations, I get to observe people's nonsensical behaviours that society prescribes and best of all, I get to be myself. This is what happens when you get left alone for too long, so much so that I feel a slight uneasiness and discomfort when being with somebody else that I have yet to know better.

Yet, I cannot deny that a part of me still wants to get up close and personal with the elusive PS. Nonetheless, if that does not happens, life has to go on and it is rising above human cravings that makes oneself a better being. I learnt this from a book that I picked up at the central library entrance as it was Buddhism week, and a book titled "What's the purpose of life?" caught my attention. I felt it was interesting to look and learn about other religions and their way of life as a Catholic. Gaining a multi-perspective insight about life would definitely help in one's quest for improvement.

Chinese New Year has come and gone, and that marks the starting point where assignments, research studies and projects take off. Hopefully, everyone of them, individual essays, partner-project or large group project (SC 2216 & PH 1101E & SC 2205, SC 2217 and GEK 1012 respectively) will all be a success as I bid to secure a 2nd upper grade that seems realistic and achievable only via this semester.

Moving on, I believe everything will fall into place gradually, as I learn to live pretty much for today and let tomorrow take care of itself. Putting aside the PS setback and my cousin and his girlfriend's attempt to matchmake me with "Cloverfield", I will emerge a better person when this day comes to an end.

Reminiscing about November 2nd 2007, January 14th 2008...

The Second Beginning, A Second Life

我们常常问别人：“你最近好不好？”但我们到底有没有问过我们自己“我好不好？”... January has come and gone in a blink of an eye. In a flash, the first month of 2008 is over and what a turbulent start it has been. As all five of my modules are different from most of my friends, I am taking it alone, save for Contemporary Social Issues with Shamala and Dawn plus Sociology of Tourism with Irys! I guess this is my own version of Super Tuesday... Anyway, it felt like a big change, never mind if it is a refreshing or welcomed one, since the last two semesters were spent taking modules with Xueying and Serene, and occasionally Fabius. Having not met with Serene for sometime, she raised the above question while chatting online, asking me how have I been, leaving me to ponder about my state of life.

Well, January was a month that held so much promise, so much hope and I began planning my time table meticulously, hoping to grab the opportunity to chat up with Peishan whenever it arises. Similarly, I crossed my fingers for my modules to turn out decent and interesting, able to engage me and also not to take up too much time. The latter turned out quite alright and module-wise, I am glad that this semester looks to be manageable. But it is the former that has left me still crossing my fingers for far too long now, till I suspect that my index finger and middle finger have switched places. What's worse is that nothing (not even anything good) came out of it, and I got a sneaky feeling that I emerged from it not a hero, but a despicable, disgusting, rude, lustful women-deprived maniac who has a tendency to stalk poor innocent girls. At least that is what I thought how I was perceived given the messy messy situation.

Eliminating the possibilities that she could be a) somebody with homosexual tendencies or b) attached to a handsome charming prince riding a white horse, the situation would not have degraded to such an extent if people would just discard their pessimistic and negative expectations of others around them.

An encounter with a blind man at a bus stop along Bukit Timah Road the other day was a refreshing experience for me. There I was, waiting for the elusive 74 when somebody bumped into me from behind. Instead of screaming crazily thinking that somebody attempted to molest me (not surprising nowadays, even more men are displaying homosexual tendencies... think Ranneth) or instinctively swinging my arm to punch whoever knocked my back, I simply turned and observed. A poor blind man was struggling along the pavement, trying to make his way to the bus stop. No one seemed to bother about his existence so I removed my earphones and took the initiative to help. He was waiting for bus 961 and I agreed to help him keep a lookout. It was amazing how two total strangers can chat about anything under the sun, from work to family to job experience etc, without suspicion or inhibitions. It is as if the absence of sight actually facilitated the conversation and the atmosphere was so much friendlier. Maybe I look freaky to Peishan, but I really feel that the individualized and capitalist mind has distanced people from each other.

When a mismatch arises between ideals, expectations and reality, what do you do? Well, sociology taught me to abandon ideals and move on to avoid complicating my own emotions. Emotions and Social Life came in handy there. The first sign of moving away was the absence of any trace of her info in my organizer, so the start of February looks encouraging. Seriously, it was for my own good as this began to have detrimental effects on my life.

I had a sneak preview of Chinese New Year at my cousin's wedding last weekend. The first question when my family sat down at a table with my grand aunty was "So do you have a girlfriend?" This was followed by two to three more consecutive similar questions by other relatives. I may have to expect more to come during the festive celebrations. It was not so much of their inquisitiveness that bothered me but the constant reminder that I do not fit in the regular social expectations of what is deemed to be a sign of maturity in life. I do not need this extra reminder that my reality is not legitimised by society. I guess that laughter, besides being the best medicine, is the best method to avoid the brunt of their cruel questions.

I can safely say that the feeling of anomie has reached its peak within me, which according to Srole, I totally agree with his five statements which measured anomia.
1. In spite of what some people say, the lot of the average man is getting worse.
2. It's hardly fair to bring children into the world with the way things look for the future.
3. Nowadays a person has to live pretty much for today and let tomorrow take care of itself.
4. These days a person doesn't really know who he can count on.
5. These's little use writing to public officials because they aren't really interested in the problems of the average man.

Well, on Lunar New Year's eve, I naturally hope that all negative feelings will dissolve and things will be fine once again on this second beginning. 1st of January was a fault start, will this start be a better one?

January in Song

A new song written for 杨宗纬, the winner of 超级星光大道. The lyrics were just so mesmerizing and meaningful, that it brought a tear to my eye just by listening to it. The rendition by 杨宗纬 was singing at its very best, portraying the helplessness and painful message that the lyrics expressed. I just had to put it up on the blog as the feeling I had after listening to it was indescribable. It is a fitting song for my turbulent January as well...

洋葱
如果你眼神能够为我片刻的降临
如果你能听到心碎的声音
沉默的守护著你
沉默的等奇迹
沉默的让自己像是空气

大家都吃著聊著笑著今晚多开心
最角落里的我笑得多合群
盘底的洋葱像我
永远是调味品
偷偷的看著你
偷偷的隐藏著自己

如果你愿意一层一层一层的剥开我的心
你会发现 你会讶异
你是我最压抑最深处的秘密
如果你愿意一层一层一层的剥开我的心
你会鼻酸 你会流泪
只要你能听到我看到我的全心全意

听你说你和你的他们暧昧的空气
我和我的绝望装得很风趣
我就样一颗洋葱
永远是配角戏
多希望能与你有一秒专属的剧情

如果你愿意一层一层一层的剥开我的心
你会发现 你会讶异
你是我最压抑最深处的秘密
如果你愿意一层一层一层的剥开我的心
你会鼻酸 你会流泪
只要你能听到我看到我的全心全意

你会鼻酸 你会流泪
只要你能听到我看到我的全心全意。。。

Perhaps I should un-cross my fingers already.

Life, With A Hint Of "Reel-ity"

There is a Chinese saying which goes "人生如戏，戏如人生", and to say that this adage has been an accurate description of the going-ons in life is an understatement. After watching Mediacorp celebrating its 25th anniversary last month with two award programmes, one extra award ceremony specially for honouring all its classic dramas in the past 25 years, fond memories flooded my mind as the familiar scenes and actors once again appeared on my television screen. These were the stories that accompanied me through my innocent childhood, turbulent teenage years and every highs and lows of my short, yet eventful, stay on this planet. As I appreciated the efforts of these actors and actresses, watching on as they received their awards for their long service and impressionable acting which , I cannot help but feel that the reason why nostalgia surrounds the box lies in the fact that it is actually our life story being depicted in the screenplay, and every bit of it belongs to us, close to our hearts. And as I discovered for myself, this truth is one that cannot be denied.

For the past month, or past year considering that it is already 2008 now, or so, I feel this period of life has been nothing short of dramatic. One influential factor in tinting such a reality is the serial drama, The Golden Path, which is currently showing on TV now. At first glance, I dismissed it as another poorly-scripted and over-hyped production by Mediacorp, like many of the serial dramas it is churning out in recent times But it took a mere 15 minutes to get me hooked on this intriguing storyline, and it was just the 4th episode. The Golden Path has everything that a blockbuster drama serial could ask for, it reveals the innocence of a child in the past and the way these characters transform as they mature, not forgetting the secrets, betrayals, incestual relationship, unrequitted love and the protagonist, Li Nanxing, who was forced into a life of crime and violence, sadly due to certain circumstances. His acting in this drama was also extremely impressive.

Just recently, I got the rare opportunity to view another friend's blog, whom I never thought I would get a chance to, as she seems to be the kind who consistently refuses to reveal alot of her life to me, for reasons I cannot comprehend. Anyway, it dawned upon me that very often in life, we live everything out with very little knowledge or insight as to what are the other perspectives concerning us, that truly matters. Only by getting the whole picture, it is possible for us to make accurate decisions and appropriate measures to cope with the changing situation, and regret would probably never exist today. But I guess not everything can be perfect. Due to the extreme subjectivity nature of language, I can only say that knowing just that little bit more and realising that you have missed the boat can be far more painful than being ignorant and keeping yourself cooped up in your own world, for you would not even know if the boat was available in the first place, eliminating the possibility of you missing out on anything at all.

The year has got off to an okay start so far, nothing too fantastic or disastrous, yet. A little bit of disorder has just crept into my life, with irrationality and infatuation dominating my mind's proceedings, and thanks to you-guessed-it, Peishan (or is it Pei Shan?). Having gained a slight insight into her schedule for this semester, it was with great anticipation and excitement that I brought with me into the new semester, harbouring hopes of seeing her again and also the possibility of talking to her. But I guess nothing good can come out of it yet again, as things always seem to go terribly wrong each and everytime. It shall be recapped in a January wrap up, and hopefully, things may have improved just that little bit by then. Thanks alot, Murphy, you're the man.